Tag: jokes
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big guy comes in and –WHACK!! — knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big guy says, ”That was a karate chop from Korea.”
The little guy thinks ”GEEZ,” but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden –WHACK– the big guy knocks him down AGAIN and says, ”That was a judo chop from Japan.”
So the little guy has had enough of this… He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and –Bong!!!– bangs the big guy off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!
The little guy looks at the bartender and says, ”When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears.”
A woman approaches her priest and tells him, ‘Father, I have a problem. I have two talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”What do they say?’ the priest inquires.’They only know how to say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?””That’s terrible,’ the priest exclaims, ‘but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots that I taught to pray and recite the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”Thank you,’ the woman responds.The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The woman puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun? One of the male parrots looks over at the other male parrot and says, ‘Put the beads away, our prayers have been answered.’
Two Texas rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along, they come upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.
The first hunter says, “Wow, that’s some hole; I can’t even see the bottom.
I wonder how deep it is!”
The second hunter says, “I don’t know. Let’s throw somethin’ down there,
listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”
The first hunter says, “Hey, there’s an old automobile transmission over
there. Give me a hand, we’ll throw it in and see.”
So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it
into the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst. While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up.
“Say there,” says the farmer, “you fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?”
The first hunter says, “Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ bout a hunnerd miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!”
The old farmer said, “Naw, that’s impossible! I had him chained to a transmission.”
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave
the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from
across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told
him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to
come on over and he’d stay with him for a little bit and show
him what to do.
The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.
In a few minutes a woman comes in and says “Father forgive me
for I have sinned. I committed adultery.”
Priest says: “How many times?”
Woman: “Three times.”
Priest says, “Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin
no more.”
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says,
“Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
Priest says, “What did you do?”
Man says, “I committed adultery.”
Priest asks, “How many times?”
Man replys, “Three times.”
Priest says, “Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin
no more.”
The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it so the
priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and
says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
Rabbi says, “What did you do?”
Woman replys, “I committed adultery.”
Rabbi asks, “How many times?”
Woman says “Once.”
Rabbi says,
“Go do it two more times, we have a special this week, three for $5.00.”
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn’t published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his
subjects.
11. When subjects didn’t behave as predicted, he deleted them from
the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his
tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain
top.
17. No record of working well with colleagues.
Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes
Lady: How much a day?
Man: Three 6 packs
Lady: How much per 6 pack
Man: about $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn’t drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No
Man: Where’s your fucking Ferrari then?