Tag: jokes
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The
seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.”
He swallowed hard. Here was a gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
“I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba”.
A Tennessee State trooper pulled a car over on I-24 about 2 miles east of Nashville, Tennessee. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Nashville to do a show for the Children’s Hospital. He didn’t want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from southeast middle Tennessee got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper’s car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain’t no way I can pass that test.”
If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud, then there’s no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.” Here are the scorecards from the advent:
Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie’s Maniac Monster Chili…
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 — (Frank) Holy sh!t! What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Austin’s Afterburner Chili…
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili…
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 — A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting sh*t- faced from all of the beer…
Chili # 4 Dave’s Black Magic…
Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it… Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa’s Legal Lip Remover…
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding a considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning
my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam’s Very Vegetarian Variety…
Judge # 1 — Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Carla’s Screaming Sensation Chili…
Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing; it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Karen’s Toenail Curling Chili…
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it.
Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
