Category: Animal jokes

Animal jokes.

Urgent, Home Wanted

URGENT NEW HOME WANTED! This is Bella, she’s an 8 week-old German Sheppard puppy, I bought her as a surprise for my wife for Christmas but it turns out she is allergic to dogs so I am now urgently looking to find her a new home I don’t want any money just free to a good home. Her name is Angie she’s 45 years old, a beautiful and caring woman who drives, she is a great cook, good with kids and always keeps a clean house.

Talking Parrots

A woman approaches her priest and tells him, ‘Father, I have a problem. I have two talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”What do they say?’ the priest inquires.’They only know how to say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?””That’s terrible,’ the priest exclaims, ‘but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots that I taught to pray and recite the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”Thank you,’ the woman responds.The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The woman puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun? One of the male parrots looks over at the other male parrot and says, ‘Put the beads away, our prayers have been answered.’

Must be God.

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… I must be a God!

Gathering Chickens

The farmer’s son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken’s his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.

Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate.

Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

“Pa, the chickens got loose,” the boy confessed sadly, “but I managed to find all twelve of them.”

“Well, you did real good, son,” the farmer beamed. “You left with seven.”

Who came first?

The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed.

The egg mutters “Well I guess that answers that riddle”.  

Duct tape.

An old man is sitting on a park bench when he see’s a small kid walking by carrying a roll of duct tape. Hey kid! what you gonna do with that duct tape? The kid answers im gonna catch me a duck. the old man snickers and replies, you cant catch a duck with duct tape. Yes i can the kid replies, and a few minutes later he walks by carrying a duck.

A little while later the same kid walks by carrying some chicken wire. The old man asks, what you gonna do with that chicken wire? The kid replies, im gonna catch me a chicken! Again the old man says, You cant catch a chicken with chicken wire. Yes I can. And a little while later the kid walks by carrying a chicken.

On his third trip by the kid is carrying some pussy willows.

The old man says, Wait!  im going with you.

Could be my son?

A young punk rocker with a red mohawk walks into a pub to order a beer. He sits down next to an old man who he notices is staring at him. Finally the punk asks, what the hell you lookin at old man?!  didnt you ever do anything crazy when you were a kid?

The old man thought for a minute and responded, 

ya i did.

I had sex with a chicken, and I was wondering if you were my son. 

The magical frog

One day in a great forest there was a magical frog walking down to the watering hole. this forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in it’s life. by chance today a bear was chasing a rabbit to have for its dinner.

the frog called for the two to stop. the frog said “seeing as you are the only two animals i have seen, i will grant you each three wishes. bear you first” the bear thought for a minuite, being the male that he was he said “i wish for all the bears except me to be female”

the rabbit wished for a crash helmut, the bear thought to himself ‘stupid rabbit why is he wasting his wishes’

it was the bears next turn “well i wish all the bears in the next forest where female” the rabbit wished for a motorcycle. the bear was stunned ‘why didnt the rabbit wish for money to buy a motorbike’

it was the bears last wish “ok i wish for all the bears in the world except me where female” the rabbit laughed and gunned the engine then said “i wish the bear was gay”

Vampire Bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

“OK, follow me” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.

“Yes, Yes, Yes!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

“Good” said the bat, “Because I sure as hell didn’t!”