Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very
hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a
huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later,
one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The
other missionary can’t believe it! He says, “What’s wrong with
you? We’re being boiled alive! They’re gonna eat us! What could
possibly be funny at a time like this?”
The other missionary says, “I just peed in the soup.”
An old Texas rancher walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he’s going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the ol’ man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. He provides the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the ol’ man for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank’s underground parking garage. Three weeks later, the ol’ man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to less than $40….
The loan officer says, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very well, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire, with several PhD’s. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5000?” The ol’ man replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for 3 weeks for 40 bucks?!!”
A plane is on its way to houston when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down. the flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back. the blonde replies, “i’m blond, i’m beautiful, i’m going to houston and i’m staying right here.” the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won’t move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. the blonde replies, “i’m blonde, i’m beautiful, i’m going to houston and i’m staying right here.” the co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason. the pilot says, “you say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this. i’m married to a blonde. i speak blonde.” he goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “oh, i’m sorry.” she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. the flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. i told her, “first class isn’t going to houston .”
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… I must be a God!
Q. What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs? A. Nice tits!
Q. Why do they call it PMS? A. Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Q. What’s the difference between a muff-dive and a speed-trap? A. With a muff-dive you always have a clear view of the cunt!!
Q. How do you know when you are getting old? A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Q. Why would a bloke give his wife a pair of slippers and a dildo for her birthday?A. Because if she doesn’t like the slippers she can go and get f**ked.
Q. What’s the difference between a police car and a pair of knickers A. You can only fit one c**t in a pair of knickers.
Q. What did Yul Brynner say to Freddy Mercury in heaven? A. So the fags got you too !!
Q: When is a pixie not a pixie? A: When he’s got his head up a fairy’s skirt, then he’s a goblin’.
Q. What’s the definition of a Yankee? A. Same thing as a ”quickie”, only you do it yourself!!
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and an ironing board A: It’s difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a broom closet? A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool A: Air pockets.
Q: Why do blondes have more fun?A: They are easier to keep amused.
Q: Which of the following doesn’t belong: wife, meat, eggs, blowjob A: The blowjob. You can beat your wife, your eggs or your meat but you just can’t beat a blowjob.
Q. Did you hear about the new shoe Nike is making for lesbians. The tongue is twice as long and it will only need one finger to get it off
Q: What did one Lesbian Frog say to the other? A: Gee, we really do taste like chicken.
Q: How do you tell that you have a high sperm count A: Your date has to chew before she swallows
Q: What’s the difference between a Ritz Cracker and a Lesbian? A: A Ritz is a snack cracker, a Lesbian is a crack snacker.
It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to
confess, so he went to his Priest. “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.” “Well,” answered the Priest,
“That’s no a sin.” “But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed.”
“I admit that wasn’t good, but you did it for a good cause.” “Oh thank you
Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question.” “What is it
son?” “Do I now have to tell him the war is over?”
Jon was looking for a little “action”. He picked up a sweet young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac.
After six times she was screaming for more. After the ‘eighth’ time Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.
On the way out he stopped in the men’s room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic that he couldn’t find “it.”
After a couple of minutes “fishing around” he finally said, “Look, it’s ok. She’s not here!”
A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee
and slapped him on the back of the head. “I found a piece of paper in your pants
pocket with the name ‘Mary Lou’ written on it,” she said, furious. “You had
better have an explanation.”
Calm down, honey, the man replied. “Remember last week when I was at the
dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on.”
The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.
What was that for?” he complained.
Your dog called last night.”
