The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and
Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords – the crowd is huge –
thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness can’t help but have a little rivalry –
both being heads of churches and all.
The Queen says to the Pope, “Did you know that with just one little wave of my
hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?” He doubts it, so she
shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from
every Englishman in the crowd.
Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by
someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So
the Pope says to the Queen, Youre Majesty that was impressive. But did you
know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the
crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of
your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever
of this day and rejoice – they will recount it to their grandchildren and they
to their descendants.
The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. “One little wave of your hand
and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me.” So the Pope slapped her.
One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news”, Adam looked at God and said, “Well, give me the good news first.” Smiling, God explained, “I’ve got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children.”
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, “These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?” God looked upon Ad”am and said with great sorrow, “The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.
Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windscreen.
“Quick, quick!!” shouts Sister Mary. “What shall I do?”
“Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination,” says Sister Helen.
Sister Mary switches them on, knocking the vampire about, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.
“What shall I do now?” she shouts.
“Switch on the windscreen washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican,” says Sister Helen.
The vampire steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again.
“Now what?” shouts Sister Mary.
“Show him your cross,” says Sister Helen.
Sister Mary opens the window and shouts: “GET OFF MY F**KING CAR!!”
One night, G.W. Bush was awakened by George Washington’s ghost.
Bush asked, “George, what is the best thing I could do to help
the country, now that I am elected President?”
“Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised
George.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the
dark bedroom. “Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help
the country, now that I am elected President?” Bush asked. “Cut
taxes and reduce the size of government,” advised Tom.
Bush didn’t sleep well the next night, and saw yet another
figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost.
“Abe, what is the best thing I could do for the country, now
that I have been elected President?” Bush asked. “Go to the
theater,” replied Abe.
Here are some 100% REAL quotes that our delightful president
George W. Bush uttered over the past few years:
“This is preservation month. I appreciate preservation. It’s
what you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve.”
-Speaking during “Perserverence Month” at a New Hampshire grade
school
“I know how hard it is to put food on your family.”
“This is still a dangerous world. It’s a world of madmen and
uncertainty and potential mental losses.”
“We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just
like you like to be liked yourself.”
Georgie’s Daddy has had some interesting things to say, too:
“For seven and a half years, I’ve worked alongside President
Reagan. We’ve had triumphs. Made some mistakes. Had some sex…
uh… I mean, setbacks.”
Two girls asked their mom which side of the creek was best to catch fish for she always caught fish and they caught none. She said when I wake up and your dads pecker is laying to the left I fish the left bank and if it lays to the right I fish the right bank. They both snikared and said what if it stands in the middle she replied. Then there is no time for fishin!
A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, “Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?”
The barman replies, “It’s a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night.”
“Great!” says the man, “but what if I can’t reach them?”
“Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night,” the barman answers.
“Do you want to try?”
“No, but thanks anyway.”
“Why not?”, asks the barman.
“The steaks are too high.”
The farmer’s son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken’s his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.
Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate.
Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
“Pa, the chickens got loose,” the boy confessed sadly, “but I managed to find all twelve of them.”
“Well, you did real good, son,” the farmer beamed. “You left with seven.”
The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.
He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.
They came up with about 40 names.
He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.
One lad raised his hand and said, “Yes, but in those days there were only 13.”