Tag: sense of humour

Cabby and the Nun

One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her. When she asked him why, he said, “I want to ask you something, but I don’t want to offend you.” She said, “You can’t offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything.” The cab driver then said, “Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job.” She said, “Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions.You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic.” Immediately the cab driver said, “Oh, yes!I’m single and I’m Catholic!” The nun said, “Okay, pull into that alley.” The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying. The nun said, “My child, what’s the matter?” He said tearfully, “Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied…I’m married and I’m Jewish!” The nun replied, “That’s okay. My name’s Bruce and I’m on my way to a costume party!”

Where’s your Ferrari?

Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes
Lady: How much a day?
Man: Three 6 packs
Lady: How much per 6 pack
Man: about $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn’t drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No
Man: Where’s your fucking Ferrari then?

Apple, Mans best friend.

A woman finds Aladdin’s magic lamp.

She starts rubbing it and a Genie comes out as usual.

The woman looks at the Genie and asks him to grant her wishes:

– I want my husband to have eyes only for me.
– I want to be the only one in his life.
– I want him to sleep always by my side.
– I want that when he gets up in the morning I’m the first thing he grabs and takes me everywhere he goes.

The Genie turned THE LADY into an Apple iPhone.!!!!

Duct tape.

An old man is sitting on a park bench when he see’s a small kid walking by carrying a roll of duct tape. Hey kid! what you gonna do with that duct tape? The kid answers im gonna catch me a duck. the old man snickers and replies, you cant catch a duck with duct tape. Yes i can the kid replies, and a few minutes later he walks by carrying a duck.

A little while later the same kid walks by carrying some chicken wire. The old man asks, what you gonna do with that chicken wire? The kid replies, im gonna catch me a chicken! Again the old man says, You cant catch a chicken with chicken wire. Yes I can. And a little while later the kid walks by carrying a chicken.

On his third trip by the kid is carrying some pussy willows.

The old man says, Wait!  im going with you.

Could be my son?

A young punk rocker with a red mohawk walks into a pub to order a beer. He sits down next to an old man who he notices is staring at him. Finally the punk asks, what the hell you lookin at old man?!  didnt you ever do anything crazy when you were a kid?

The old man thought for a minute and responded, 

ya i did.

I had sex with a chicken, and I was wondering if you were my son. 

The Fortune teller.

During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. “There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

“Will I be acquitted?”

Say Partner

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. “Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. “Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”

The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

Texas Laws

Dumb Texas Laws

  • When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.
  • A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.
  • It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
  • You can be legally married by publically introducing a person as your husband or wife 3 times.
  • It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don’t need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.
  • It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
  • It is illegal to milk another person’s cow.
  • A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
  • It is unlawful for a person to consume an alcoholic beverage while operating a motor vehicle upon a public roadway, if the person is observed doing so by a peace officer.
  • The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.