Never squat with yer spurs on.
There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman; neither one works.
Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
Never smack a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.
It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back in.
Finally, never miss a good chance to shut up.
Category: Jokes
Funny jokes
‘Twas the Month after Chanukah
Twas the month after Chanukah, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I’d nibble, the latkas I’d taste
At Chanukah parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine or the egg creams, the bread and the cheese
and the way I’d never said, ”No thank you, please.”
As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt
and prepared once again to do battle with dirt—
I said to myself, as only I can
”You can’t spend the winter disguised as a man!”
So… away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of all chocolate, each cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
”Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won’t have a cookie–not even a lick.
I’ll want to chew only a long celery stick.
I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore—
But isn’t that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer’s hoof.
As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, “You know, I think you’re the first reindeer I’ve ever seen in here.”
The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, “Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I’m the last reindeer you’ll see in here.”
Some good some bad, you decide… 
Christmas one liners.
What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
Santa Clues!
Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition.
Now thats what you call pot luck!
What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday ?
Freeze a jolly good fellow !
What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ?
Santapplause !
Twinkle Twinkle chocolate bar
Santa drives a rusty car
Press the starter
Press the choke
Off he goes in a cloud of smoke !
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ?
Santa Jaws !
Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden ?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe !
Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ?
Because they both have “Sandy claws” !
What does Father Christmas call his money ?
Iced lolly ?
What’s Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents ?
Santa pause !
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on the twins’ birthday their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
“Why are you crying?” the father asked.
“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.” answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?” he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!” 
A woman walks in to a tattoo parlor and says I want a turkey put on my right hip. The tattoo artist says ok and does the tattoo and she leaves.
A couple of weeks later she comes back and says I want Santa clause put on my left hip. The artist says ok and does it. While she was getting her money out he says “maam can i ask you why you have Santa on one hip and a turkey on the other?
The lady answered, ” so my husband will have something to eat in between thanksgiving and christmas.
An old man is sitting on a park bench when he see’s a small kid walking by carrying a roll of duct tape. Hey kid! what you gonna do with that duct tape? The kid answers im gonna catch me a duck. the old man snickers and replies, you cant catch a duck with duct tape. Yes i can the kid replies, and a few minutes later he walks by carrying a duck.
A little while later the same kid walks by carrying some chicken wire. The old man asks, what you gonna do with that chicken wire? The kid replies, im gonna catch me a chicken! Again the old man says, You cant catch a chicken with chicken wire. Yes I can. And a little while later the kid walks by carrying a chicken.
On his third trip by the kid is carrying some pussy willows.
The old man says, Wait! 
im going with you.
A young punk rocker with a red mohawk walks into a pub to order a beer. He sits down next to an old man who he notices is staring at him. Finally the punk asks, what the hell you lookin at old man?! didnt you ever do anything crazy when you were a kid?
The old man thought for a minute and responded,
ya i did.
I had sex with a chicken, and I was wondering if you were my son.
During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. “There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
“Will I be acquitted?”
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, “Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.”
So the Doberman says, “I love liver and cheese.” The Collie replies, “That’s not good enough.”
The Bulldog says, “I hate liver and cheese.” She says, “That’s not creative enough.”
Finally, the Chihuahua says, “Liver alone . . . cheese mine.” 
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. “Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. “Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”
Dumb Texas Laws
- When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.
- A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.
- It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
- You can be legally married by publically introducing a person as your husband or wife 3 times.
- It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don’t need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.
- It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
- It is illegal to milk another person’s cow.
- A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
- It is unlawful for a person to consume an alcoholic beverage while operating a motor vehicle upon a public roadway, if the person is observed doing so by a peace officer.
- The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prarie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first one says, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands.”
The second cowboy can’t stand to be bested. “Why that’s nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I’m still here today.”
The third cowboy remained silent, stirring the campfire coals with his hands. 