Category: Jokes

Funny jokes

The morning after

Work jokes

Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a
pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall
the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the
bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some
coffee in front of him.

“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it
as bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a
complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the
entire board of directors and you insulted the president of
the company, right to his face.”

“He’s an idiot,” Bob said. “Piss on him!” “You did,” came the
reply. “And he fired you.”

“Well, screw him!” said Bob. “I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”

The Cop and the Speeder

Work jokes

A young guy is speeding across a bridge in his fancy sports car.
Sure enough, a cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other side
of the bridge. The cop pulls him over, then walks up to the
guy’s car and asks, “What’s the hurry?” The guy replies, “I’m
late for work, officer.” “What do you do?” “Well, I’m a rectum
stretcher.” “What? A rectum stretcher?” The guy explains, “Yeah.
I start with a finger, then work my way up to two fingers…
eventually I get a hand in, then both hands, and I slowly
stretch it until it’s about six feet wide.” The curious cop
asks, “What do you do with a six-foot asshole?” The guy answers,
“Well, you give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a
bridge.”

Talking Parrots

Animal jokes

A woman approaches her priest and tells him, ‘Father, I have a problem. I have two talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”What do they say?’ the priest inquires.’They only know how to say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?””That’s terrible,’ the priest exclaims, ‘but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots that I taught to pray and recite the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”Thank you,’ the woman responds.The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The woman puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun? One of the male parrots looks over at the other male parrot and says, ‘Put the beads away, our prayers have been answered.’

100 MPH Goat,

Jokes

Two Texas rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along, they come upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.
The first hunter says, “Wow, that’s some hole; I can’t even see the bottom.
I wonder how deep it is!”
The second hunter says, “I don’t know. Let’s throw somethin’ down there,
listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”
The first hunter says, “Hey, there’s an old automobile transmission over
there. Give me a hand, we’ll throw it in and see.”
So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it
into the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst. While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up.
“Say there,” says the farmer, “you fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?”
The first hunter says, “Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ bout a hunnerd miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!”
The old farmer said, “Naw, that’s impossible! I had him chained to a transmission.”

I have bad and very bad news

Jokes

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.Patient: 24 hours! That’s terrible! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news?Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Rabbi takes confession

Religous

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave
the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from
across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told
him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to
come on over and he’d stay with him for a little bit and show
him what to do.

The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.
In a few minutes a woman comes in and says “Father forgive me
for I have sinned. I committed adultery.”

Priest says: “How many times?”

Woman: “Three times.”

Priest says, “Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin
no more.”

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says,
“Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

Priest says, “What did you do?”

Man says, “I committed adultery.”

Priest asks, “How many times?”

Man replys, “Three times.”

Priest says, “Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin
no more.”

The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it so the
priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and
says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

Rabbi says, “What did you do?”

Woman replys, “I committed adultery.”

Rabbi asks, “How many times?”

Woman says “Once.”

Rabbi says,
“Go do it two more times, we have a special this week, three for $5.00.”

WHY GOD NEVER RECEIVED A PHD ?

Religous

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn’t published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his
subjects.
11. When subjects didn’t behave as predicted, he deleted them from
the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his
tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain
top.
17. No record of working well with colleagues.

By the dozen,

Bad jokes.

A couple was celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary. For the entire time they had been married, the wife had kept a safe which the husband had never been allowed to look into. He asked her if, since they had been married so long, he could see what she had been keeping all these years. She said OK and opened the safe. In it were a pile of money totalling $10,000 and three chicken eggs. He asked her, “What are the eggs doing in there?” She said,”Well, I have to admit that I haven’t been completely faithful to you. Whenever I strayed, I put an egg in the safe.” He thought about it and said, “Well, I guess I can’t be too upset about three eggs. But where did all the money come from?” She replied, “Every time I got a dozen, I sold them.”

Just call me B.J.

Jokes

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello. My name is Carmen.” “That’s a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family name?”

“No,” she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose “Carmen”. “What’s your name?” she asked.

He answered “B.J. Titsengolf.”

Thank goodness,

Bar Jokes Jokes

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously drunk.”

Our wasted friend asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”

“Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled.”