Category: Jokes

Funny jokes

Gathering Chickens

Animal jokes

The farmer’s son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken’s his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.

Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate.

Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

“Pa, the chickens got loose,” the boy confessed sadly, “but I managed to find all twelve of them.”

“Well, you did real good, son,” the farmer beamed. “You left with seven.”

Knowing Your States

Religous

The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.

He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.

They came up with about 40 names.

He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, “Yes, but in those days there were only 13.”

God the Artist

Religous

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question. “Boys and girls, what do we know about God?”

A hand shot up in the air. “He is an artist!” said the kindergarten boy.

“Really?! How do you know?” the teacher asked.

“You know – ‘Our Father, who does art in Heaven…”

Paying the debt

Jokes

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell.

The wife answers the door.
“Hi, is Tony home?”
“No, he went to the store.”
“Well, you mind if I wait?”
“No come in.”

They sit down and the friend says, “You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.”

Sara thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell – a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says, “They are so beautiful I’ve got to see the both of them. I’ll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together.”

Sara thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can’t wait any longer for Tony and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, “You know, your weird friend Chris came over.”

Tony thinks about this for a second and says, “Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?”

Chocolate test

Jokes

Chocolate Test {…No cheating!!}

Take this cute chocolate test to find out your true being.

If you were buying candy and you had your choice of the following,which would you choose?

BABY RUTH
3 MUSKETEERS
BUTTERFINGERS
SNICKERS
HERSHEY’S
ALMOND JOY with ALMONDS
CLARK BAR
GOOD ‘n’ PLENTY
ENERGY BAR
CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS

Ok – Now That We Have Your Choice, This Is What Research Says About You!!!

And NO….you can’t change your mind once you scroll down. So think carefully about what your choice will be!

BABY RUTH – Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm fuzzy items. A little nutty. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day.

3 MUSKETEERS – You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your sabre.

BUTTERFINGER – Smooth articulate, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don’t try to walk and chew gum at the same time.

SNICKERS – Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Everyone enjoys being around you. But you are a practical joker – others should be cautious in shaking hands!

HERSHEY – Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt.

ALMOND JOY – Sexy, always ready to give and receive, very energetic, and really like to get into life. The opposite sex is always attracted to you.

CLARK BAR – You like sports, whether baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but enjoy watching sports. You don’t like to give up the remote control.

GOOD ‘n’ PLENTY – You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person.

ENERGY BAR – Life is passing you by. Get a life!!!! Go eat a plum.

CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS – You go to the bathroom often.

Beer, the best medicine.

Jokes

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife.
“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans” he replies.
“Put them back, we can’t afford them” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.”

Elevator

Jokes

A country bumpkin family from Alabama decides to go to the Big Apple for the first Time in their lives; Maw, Paw and their son. They go into the Empire State Building. As they’re walking around they notice the elevator. Never seeing one before they stand in front of it bewildered. 

While staring at it, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to it, pushes the button, the door opens, she rolls herself inside and the door closes. 

The Alabama hick family watches as the lights for each floor light as it goes up. They continue to watch as the numbers go down again. 

The door opens and out walks this tall gorgeous blonde. Legs to her neck. Great figure. Beautiful! 

Paw looks at his son and says, “Quick boy, shove yer Maw in there before the door closes!!”    

Who came first?

Animal jokes

The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed.

The egg mutters “Well I guess that answers that riddle”.  

Finding A Chinese Jew

Ethnic Jokes

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. “Sid,” asked Al, “are there any Jews in China?”
“I don’t know,” Sid replied.  “Why don’t we ask the waiter?”
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, “Are there any Chinese Jews?”
“I don’t know sir, let me ask,” the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen.  He returned in a few minutes and said, “No, sir. No, Chinese Jews.”
“Are you sure?” Al asked.
“I will check again, sir,” the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.  While he was still gone, Sid said, “I cannot believe there are no Jews in China.  Our people are scattered everywhere.”
When the waiter returned he said, “Sir, no Chinese Jews.”
“Are you really sure?” Al asked again.
“I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews.”
“Sir, I ask everyone,” the waiter replied exasperated.  “We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews.”

Is That Your Horse?

Ethnic Jokes

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, “Who owns the big white horse outside?” The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, “I do. Why?”
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, “I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!” The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, “Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.”
Tonto said, “Sure Kemosabe”, and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, “Who owns that big white horse outside?”
The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, “I do. What is wrong with him this time?”
The cowboy says to him, “Nothing much, I just wanted you to know………… you left your Injun running!!!”