Funny jokes
Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:
“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
“His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.”
“I would not allow this employee to breed.”
“This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t be.”
“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
“When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.”
“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
“This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
“This employee should go far – and the sooner he starts, the better.”
“This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
“If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000.”
“Now,” he concluded,” which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?
What does your profession say about you?
1. MARKETING – You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
2. SALES – Laziest of all signs, often referred to as “marketing without a degree.” You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can “concentrate on the big picture.” You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
3. TECHNOLOGY – Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
4. ENGINEERING – One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest “ergo dynamic” gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your “carpal tunnel syndrome.”
5. ACCOUNTING – The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
6. HUMAN RESOURCES – Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.
NT
7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEME – Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Middle Managers” as everyone in you social circle is a “Middle Manager.”
8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT – (See above – Same sign, different title)
9. CUSTOMER SERVICE – Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play “Customer Service.” Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
10. CONSULTANT – Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your “skills” are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.
11. RECRUITER, “HEADHUNTER” – As a “person” that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.
12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO – You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.
13. GOVERNMENT WORKER – Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job… Thus the term “GO POSTAL”
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”
The candidate said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The HR Person said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a red Corvette?”
The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow!!! Are you kidding?”
And the HR Person said, “Certainly, …but you started it.”
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. “Sid,” asked Al, “are there any Jews in China?”
“I don’t know,” Sid replied. “Why don’t we ask the waiter?”
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, “Are there any Chinese Jews?”
“I don’t know sir, let me ask,” the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, “No, sir. No, Chinese Jews.”
“Are you sure?” Al asked.
“I will check again, sir,” the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, “I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere.”
When the waiter returned he said, “Sir, no Chinese Jews.”
“Are you really sure?” Al asked again.
“I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews.”
“Sir, I ask everyone,” the waiter replied exasperated. “We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews.”
Little Johnny’s father had just returned home from a business trip, and he had a romantic evening planned with his wife. So, he sent his two older kids to the movies, but he couldn’t persuade Little Johnny to go along.
Finally, he made a deal with Little Johnny, “If you go sit outside of the house, I’ll give you five dollars for every man you see go by in a red hat.”
An excited Little Johnny agreed.
Some time later, Little Johnny ran into the house and up to his parents bedroom. He banged on the door and shouted, “Hey, Dad, if you think your getting screwed in THERE, just wait until you come outside ’cause there’s a Shriner convention going past our house.”
Part 2…
“If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.”
– USAF Ammo Troop
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“Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death … I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.”
– At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base at Kadena,Japan
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“You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3.”
– Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
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“The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.”
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“Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.”
– From an old carrier sailor
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“If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it’s probably a helicopter and therefore, unsafe.”
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“When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.”
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“Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.”
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“What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, …. the pilot dies.”
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“Never trade luck for skill.”
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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: “Why is it doing that?”, “Where are we?” and “Oh S…!”
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“Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.”
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“Progress in airline flying: Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.”
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“Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.”
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“A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.”
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“I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.”
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“Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!”
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“Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.”
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“Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.”
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“When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.”
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“Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.”
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Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: “When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible.”
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“The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.”
– Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
(Editors Note)
Due to the length of this I am beaking in to several parts. Alot of military intelligence. Imagine that.
Some old, some new, most still funny
“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.”
– Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance.
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“Aim towards the Enemy.”
– Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
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“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
– U.S. Marine Corps
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“Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.”
– USAF Ammo Troop
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“If the enemy is in range, so are you.”
– Infantry Journal
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“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.”
– U.S. Air Force Manual
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“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.”
– General Macarthur
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“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.”
– Infantry Journal
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“You, you, and you … Panic. The rest of you, come with me.”
– U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
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“Tracers work both ways.”
– U.S. Army Ordnance
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“Five second fuses only last three seconds.”
– Infantry Journal
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“Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last, and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.”
– U.S. Navy Swabbie
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“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.”
– David Hackworth
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“If your attack is going too well, your walking into an ambush.”
– Infantry Journal
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“No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.”
– Joe Gay
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“Any ship can be a minesweeper… once.”
– Anonymous
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“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.”
– Unknown Marine Recruit
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“Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.”
– Your Buddies
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These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.
A reporter comes running up and says, “Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?”
The Saudi says, “What’s a shortage?”
The Russian says, “What’s meat?”
The North Korean says, “What’s an opinion?”
The New Yorker, says, “Excuse me?? What’s excuse me?”
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
”Doctor, the hormones you’ve been giving me have really helped, but I’m afraid that you’re giving me too much.
I’ve started growing hair in places that I’ve never grown hair before.”
The doctor reassured her,
”A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?”
”On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about…,” replied the lady
Looking up, he asks the Lord…
“God, what does a million years mean to you?”
The Lord replies, “A minute.”
“And Einstein asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you Lord ?”
The Lord replies, “A penny.”
Einstein asks, “Can I have a penny?”
The Lord replies, “In a minute.” 
Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly,
She took out Earl’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone,
she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
“On a woman,” the doctor said, “your heart would be just below your left breast.”
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
1. The Female always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
15. If the Male doesn’t abide by THE RULES, it is because he can’t take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.
17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.
We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car.
We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.
We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won’t buy a car if it can’t go over 100 miles an hour.
Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.
We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don’t know half the words in the “Star Spangled Banner”.
We’ll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.
We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.
We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.
In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.
We are the only people in the world who will pay $.50 to park our car while eating a $.25 sandwhich.
We’re the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.
We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power.
We’re supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can’t deliver payrolls without an armored car.
We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.