System Check,

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Adult jokes, Funny Pictures

Cabby and the Nun

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Adult jokes

One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her. When she asked him why, he said, “I want to ask you something, but I don’t want to offend you.” She said, “You can’t offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything.” The cab driver then said, “Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job.” She said, “Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions.You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic.” Immediately the cab driver said, “Oh, yes!I’m single and I’m Catholic!” The nun said, “Okay, pull into that alley.” The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying. The nun said, “My child, what’s the matter?” He said tearfully, “Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied…I’m married and I’m Jewish!” The nun replied, “That’s okay. My name’s Bruce and I’m on my way to a costume party!”

Nasty Q&A

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Adult jokes

Q. What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs? A. Nice tits!
Q. Why do they call it PMS? A. Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Q. What’s the difference between a muff-dive and a speed-trap? A. With a muff-dive you always have a clear view of the cunt!!
Q. How do you know when you are getting old? A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Q. Why would a bloke give his wife a pair of slippers and a dildo for her birthday?A. Because if she doesn’t like the slippers she can go and get f**ked.
Q. What’s the difference between a police car and a pair of knickers A. You can only fit one c**t in a pair of knickers.
Q. What did Yul Brynner say to Freddy Mercury in heaven? A. So the fags got you too !!
Q: When is a pixie not a pixie? A: When he’s got his head up a fairy’s skirt, then he’s a goblin’.
Q. What’s the definition of a Yankee? A. Same thing as a ”quickie”, only you do it yourself!!
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and an ironing board A: It’s difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a broom closet? A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool A: Air pockets.
Q: Why do blondes have more fun?A: They are easier to keep amused.
Q: Which of the following doesn’t belong: wife, meat, eggs, blowjob A: The blowjob. You can beat your wife, your eggs or your meat but you just can’t beat a blowjob.
Q. Did you hear about the new shoe Nike is making for lesbians. The tongue is twice as long and it will only need one finger to get it off
Q: What did one Lesbian Frog say to the other? A: Gee, we really do taste like chicken.
Q: How do you tell that you have a high sperm count A: Your date has to chew before she swallows
Q: What’s the difference between a Ritz Cracker and a Lesbian? A: A Ritz is a snack cracker, a Lesbian is a crack snacker.

Three knots

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Adult jokes

An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.

“How am I doing?” He asks.
“Three knots,” she replies.
“Three knots? What’s that mean?”

“You’re not hard, you’re not in, and you’re not getting your money back.”

George Carlin. Dirty words

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Adult jokes

Norse Gods Orgy

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Adult jokes

In ancient times the great Norse gods were engaged in a protracted orgy. It had gone on for several days.

Finally, all were completely sated.

The first to rouse from his slumber was the Great Norse God Thor. He stood, reached down, picked up his wrap and placed it around his waist.

He looked around the Great Hall, noticing and remembering all the beautiful women with whom he had had occasion to copulate. He was very pleased.

He took several deep breaths and realized he was rejuvenated.

Looking about the Great Hall, he noticed movement back against the back wall. Squinting his eyes for sharper focus, he saw a young lady struggling to gain her feet. She was supporting herself on one of the great columns.

She was beautiful. It had been her first orgy and she had had a really great time.

Thor realized that he had not had this particular beauty over the past several days. She was up. He was up, so to speak. Why not?

“Hello!”, he bellowed. “I’m Thor!”

“You’re thor?”, she said. “Why, I’m tho thor, I can hardly pith!”

Who’s Your Daddy?

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Adult jokes

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, “Hello!”
Her face was beaming. He gave her that “who are you look,” and couldn’t remember ever having seen her before.

Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. “Look,” she said “I’m really sorry but when I first saw you,I thought you were the father of one of my children,” and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, “What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can’t keep track of who fathers her children!” However, he was somewhat flattered that he might resemble one of her former lovers.Then again he got a little panicky.

“I don’t remember her,” he thought but, MAYBE….during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!

He sat in his car, holding his head in his hands, never realizing that she was his son’s second grade teacher.

Two nuns and a blind guy

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Adult jokes

Two nuns were hired to paint this room. They were in the room and the door was locked. The blinds were down over the windows and they were getting hot.They decided to get naked and paint so it would be easier. They heard a knock at the door.
“Who is it?”
“Blind Man”
They figure he is blind it will be alright.
“Come on in.”
The guy walks in and says…
“Hey nice tits now where do you want these blinds?”