Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.Patient: 24 hours! That’s terrible! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news?Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave
the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from
across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told
him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to
come on over and he’d stay with him for a little bit and show
him what to do.
The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.
In a few minutes a woman comes in and says “Father forgive me
for I have sinned. I committed adultery.”
Priest says: “How many times?”
Woman: “Three times.”
Priest says, “Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin
no more.”
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says,
“Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
Priest says, “What did you do?”
Man says, “I committed adultery.”
Priest asks, “How many times?”
Man replys, “Three times.”
Priest says, “Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin
no more.”
The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it so the
priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and
says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
Rabbi says, “What did you do?”
Woman replys, “I committed adultery.”
Rabbi asks, “How many times?”
Woman says “Once.”
Rabbi says,
“Go do it two more times, we have a special this week, three for $5.00.”
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn’t published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his
subjects.
11. When subjects didn’t behave as predicted, he deleted them from
the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his
tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain
top.
17. No record of working well with colleagues.
A couple was celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary. For the entire time they had been married, the wife had kept a safe which the husband had never been allowed to look into. He asked her if, since they had been married so long, he could see what she had been keeping all these years. She said OK and opened the safe. In it were a pile of money totalling $10,000 and three chicken eggs. He asked her, “What are the eggs doing in there?” She said,”Well, I have to admit that I haven’t been completely faithful to you. Whenever I strayed, I put an egg in the safe.” He thought about it and said, “Well, I guess I can’t be too upset about three eggs. But where did all the money come from?” She replied, “Every time I got a dozen, I sold them.”
A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello. My name is Carmen.” “That’s a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family name?”
“No,” she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose “Carmen”. “What’s your name?” she asked.
He answered “B.J. Titsengolf.”
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously drunk.”
Our wasted friend asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”
“Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled.” 
A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
“Do you enjoy it?” The doctor asked.
“Actually, yes, I do.”
“Does it hurt you?” he asked.
“No. I rather like it.”
“Well, then,” the doctor continued, “there’s no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.”
The woman was mystified.
“What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?”
“Of course,” the doctor replied, “Where do you think politicians come from?”
Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes
Lady: How much a day?
Man: Three 6 packs
Lady: How much per 6 pack
Man: about $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn’t drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No
Man: Where’s your fucking Ferrari then?
A woman finds Aladdin’s magic lamp.
She starts rubbing it and a Genie comes out as usual.
The woman looks at the Genie and asks him to grant her wishes:
– I want my husband to have eyes only for me.
– I want to be the only one in his life.
– I want him to sleep always by my side.
– I want that when he gets up in the morning I’m the first thing he grabs and takes me everywhere he goes.
The Genie turned THE LADY into an Apple iPhone.!!!!
A priest walked into a barbershop in Washington, D.C. After he got his
haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, “No charge. I consider
it a service to the Lord.”
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a
thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his haircut. He then asked
how much it was. The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the
community.”
The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank
you note from the police officer.
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much
it was. The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the country.”
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators waiting
at the door.
From David Letterman – Tuesday, January 31, 1995
Top Ten Signs You’re Not The Sexiest Man Alive
10. When people see you, they often ask, “Is it Halloween already?”
9. You appear in TV Guide crossword puzzle with the clue, “Siskel and ___”
8. The best term to describe you is “super hairy”.
7. You parachuted into Super Bowl with a dog and a bag of pretzels.
6. Photos of you used as a birth-control device.
5. You take a stroll and the local zoo is flooded with calls about an escaped orangutan.
4. As you walk toward rack of Speedos, you hear clerks murmuring, “Oh God, no”.
3. Your name is Tom Wilkins and you’re seated in the 6th row of the Ed Sullivan Theater.
2. Hookers always telling you “Not on the first date”.
1. Richard Simmons never follows you home.
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy.
One morning, the first friend says, “You know, we’re starting to get on each other’s nerves. Why don’t we split up today.
I’ll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we’ll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire.”
The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story, “Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch.
Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?”
The second friend says, “I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks.
I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp.”
“Wow!!” the first guy exclaimed, “Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?”
“Nah,” says the second friend over his meal, “I couldn’t find her head.” 
Laura Bush went to the doctor for a check up and got a clean bill of health.
When she got home George asked her, “So how did the appointment go?”
Laura bragged, “the Doctor said I have the heart and lungs of a
twenty-year-old.”
George smirked, “Oh yeah? And what did he have to say about
your fifty year old ass?”
Laura replied: “Your name didn’t come up.”
An old woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office
Building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like
expensive perfume turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Giorgio – Beverly
Hills, $100 an ounce!”
The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very
arrogantly turns to the old woman and says,”Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!”
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her floor and is about to
get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the
eye, she bends over, and farts – and says, “Broccoli – 49 cents a pound.”