Category: Funny Stories
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
An old woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office
Building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like
expensive perfume turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Giorgio – Beverly
Hills, $100 an ounce!”
The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very
arrogantly turns to the old woman and says,”Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!”
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her floor and is about to
get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the
eye, she bends over, and farts – and says, “Broccoli – 49 cents a pound.”
A woman is resting after giving birth to her baby. The doctor comes in to her room, and he says, “I have something to tell you about your baby.”The woman sits up in bed and says, “What’s wrong with my baby, Doctor? What’s wrong?”The doctor says, “Well now, nothing’s wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite.”The woman says, “A hermaphrodite…. what’s that?”The doctor says, “Well, it means your baby has the… er… features…of a male and a female.”The woman turns pale. She says, “Oh my god! You mean it has a penis, and… a brain?!”
On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die!” she wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I’ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??”
For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. “I can make you feel like a woman,” he says. He’s gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
“Iron this.”
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5, 000 and
feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and
buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking,
but how old do you think I am?” “About 35, ” was the reply. “I’m actually 47, ” the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonald’s for lunch and asks the order taker
the same question, to which the reply is, “I’d guess that you’re 29?”
“Nope, I am actually 47.” He’s starting to feel really good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young
there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants
and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact
age.” As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her
slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, “OK, it’s done. You are 47, “
Stunned the man says, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”
The old lady replies, “I was behind you in McDonald’s”.
Jon was looking for a little “action”. He picked up a sweet young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac.
After six times she was screaming for more. After the ‘eighth’ time Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.
On the way out he stopped in the men’s room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic that he couldn’t find “it.”
After a couple of minutes “fishing around” he finally said, “Look, it’s ok. She’s not here!”
A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me too. I didn’t know we had a choice.”
Little Johnny goes to his mother and asks, “Mom, is God male or female?”
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, “Well, honey, God is both male and female.”
This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, “Is God black or white?”
“Well, God is both black and white.”
This further confuses him so he asks, “Is God gay or straight?”
At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, “Honey, God is both gay and straight.”
At this Little Johnny’s face lights up with understanding and he asks, “Mom, is God Michael Jackson?”