Pick a Starting Salary

Work jokes

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”

The candidate said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The HR Person said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a red Corvette?”

The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow!!! Are you kidding?”

And the HR Person said, “Certainly, …but you started it.”

Little Johnny. Who’s God?

Funny Stories

Little Johnny goes to his mother and asks, “Mom, is God male or female?”

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, “Well, honey, God is both male and female.”

This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, “Is God black or white?”

“Well, God is both black and white.”

This further confuses him so he asks, “Is God gay or straight?”

At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, “Honey, God is both gay and straight.”

At this Little Johnny’s face lights up with understanding and he asks, “Mom, is God Michael Jackson?”

Throwing away Garbage

Funny Stories

An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to get rid of a large supply of garbage from his recent stay at an apartment. After a long search, he just couldn’t find any place to discard of it. So, he just went down one of the side streets to dump it there.

Yet, he was stopped by a Moscow police officer, who said, “Hey you, what are you doing?”

“I have to throw this away,” replied the tourist.

“You can’t throw it away here. Look, follow me,” the policeman offered.

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. “Here,” said the cop, “dump all the garbage you want.”

The American shrugs, opens up the large bags of garbage, and dumps them right on the flowers.

“Thanks for giving me a place to dump this stuff. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?” asked the tourist.

“No. This is the American Embassy.”

Finding a Chinese Jew.

Ethnic Jokes

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. “Sid,” asked Al, “are there any Jews in China?”

“I don’t know,” Sid replied. “Why don’t we ask the waiter?”

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, “Are there any Chinese Jews?”

“I don’t know sir, let me ask,” the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, “No, sir. No, Chinese Jews.”

“Are you sure?” Al asked.

“I will check again, sir,” the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, “I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere.”

When the waiter returned he said, “Sir, no Chinese Jews.”

“Are you really sure?” Al asked again.

“I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews.”

“Sir, I ask everyone,” the waiter replied exasperated. “We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews.”

Little Johnny. $5 Red Hats

Jokes

Little Johnny’s father had just returned home from a business trip, and he had a romantic evening planned with his wife. So, he sent his two older kids to the movies, but he couldn’t persuade Little Johnny to go along.

Finally, he made a deal with Little Johnny, “If you go sit outside of the house, I’ll give you five dollars for every man you see go by in a red hat.”

An excited Little Johnny agreed.

Some time later, Little Johnny ran into the house and up to his parents bedroom. He banged on the door and shouted, “Hey, Dad, if you think your getting screwed in THERE, just wait until you come outside ’cause there’s a Shriner convention going past our house.”

Military Wisdom Part 2.

Jokes

Part 2…

“If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.”

– USAF Ammo Troop

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“Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death … I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.”

– At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base at Kadena,Japan

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“You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3.”

– Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

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“The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.”

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“Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.”

– From an old carrier sailor

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“If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it’s probably a helicopter and therefore, unsafe.”

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“When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.”

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“Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.”

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“What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, …. the pilot dies.”

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“Never trade luck for skill.”

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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: “Why is it doing that?”, “Where are we?” and “Oh S…!”

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“Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.”

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“Progress in airline flying: Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.”

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“Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.”

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“A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.”

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“I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.”

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“Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!”

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“Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.”

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“Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.”

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“When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.”

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“Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.”

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Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: “When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible.”

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“The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.”

– Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

Military Wisdom. Part 1

Jokes

(Editors Note)

Due to the length of this I am beaking in to several parts. Alot of military intelligence. Imagine that.
Some old, some new, most still funny

“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.”

– Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance.

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“Aim towards the Enemy.”

– Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

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“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

– U.S. Marine Corps

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“Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.”

– USAF Ammo Troop

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“If the enemy is in range, so are you.”

– Infantry Journal

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“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.”

– U.S. Air Force Manual

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“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.”

– General Macarthur

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“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.”

– Infantry Journal

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“You, you, and you … Panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

– U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

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“Tracers work both ways.”

– U.S. Army Ordnance

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“Five second fuses only last three seconds.”

– Infantry Journal

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“Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last, and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.”

– U.S. Navy Swabbie

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“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.”

– David Hackworth

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“If your attack is going too well, your walking into an ambush.”

– Infantry Journal

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“No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.”

– Joe Gay

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“Any ship can be a minesweeper… once.”

– Anonymous

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“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.”

– Unknown Marine Recruit

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“Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.”

– Your Buddies

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Unfamiliar with a term

Jokes

These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.

A reporter comes running up and says, “Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?”

The Saudi says, “What’s a shortage?”

The Russian says, “What’s meat?”

The North Korean says, “What’s an opinion?”

The New Yorker, says, “Excuse me??  What’s excuse me?”

A Texas Chili Contest. A good read!

Funny Stories

Warning

If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud, then there’s no hope for you. I was crying by the end.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chilicook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.” Here are the scorecards from the advent:
Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie’s Maniac Monster Chili…
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 — (Frank) Holy sh!t! What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Austin’s Afterburner Chili…
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili…
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 — A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting sh*t- faced from all of the beer…

Chili # 4 Dave’s Black Magic…
Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa’s Legal Lip Remover…
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning
my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam’s Very Vegetarian Variety…
Judge # 1 — Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla’s Screaming Sensation Chili…
Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing; it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen’s Toenail Curling Chili…
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it.

Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?

 

 

A Little Testy

Bad jokes.

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
”Doctor, the hormones you’ve been giving me have really helped, but I’m afraid that you’re giving me too much.

I’ve started growing hair in places that I’ve never grown hair before.”

The doctor reassured her,

 ”A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?”

”On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about…,” replied the lady

Einstein & God

Jokes
  • Einstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

    Looking up, he asks the Lord…
    “God, what does a million years mean to you?”

    The Lord replies, “A minute.”

    “And Einstein asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you Lord ?”

    The Lord replies, “A penny.”

    Einstein asks, “Can I have a penny?”

    The Lord replies, “In a minute.”   

Shot To The Heart

Bad jokes.

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly,
She took out Earl’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken.

 Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone,
she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
“On a woman,” the doctor said, “your heart would be just below your left breast.”

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.