Month: August 2013

Two Nuns

Religous

Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windscreen.

“Quick, quick!!” shouts Sister Mary. “What shall I do?”

“Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination,” says Sister Helen.

Sister Mary switches them on, knocking the vampire about, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.

“What shall I do now?” she shouts.

“Switch on the windscreen washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican,” says Sister Helen.

The vampire steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again.

“Now what?” shouts Sister Mary.

“Show him your cross,” says Sister Helen.

Sister Mary opens the window and shouts: “GET OFF MY F**KING CAR!!”

George gets help

Political jokes

One night, G.W. Bush was awakened by George Washington’s ghost.
Bush asked, “George, what is the best thing I could do to help
the country, now that I am elected President?”

“Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised
George.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the
dark bedroom. “Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help
the country, now that I am elected President?” Bush asked. “Cut
taxes and reduce the size of government,” advised Tom.

Bush didn’t sleep well the next night, and saw yet another
figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost.
“Abe, what is the best thing I could do for the country, now
that I have been elected President?” Bush asked. “Go to the
theater,” replied Abe.

George W. Bush’s Quotes

Political jokes

Here are some 100% REAL quotes that our delightful president
George W. Bush uttered over the past few years:

“This is preservation month. I appreciate preservation. It’s
what you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve.”
-Speaking during “Perserverence Month” at a New Hampshire grade
school

“I know how hard it is to put food on your family.”

“This is still a dangerous world. It’s a world of madmen and
uncertainty and potential mental losses.”

“We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just
like you like to be liked yourself.”

Georgie’s Daddy has had some interesting things to say, too:
“For seven and a half years, I’ve worked alongside President
Reagan. We’ve had triumphs. Made some mistakes. Had some sex…
uh… I mean, setbacks.”

Going fishing

Jokes

Two girls asked their mom which side of the creek was best to catch fish for she always caught fish and they caught none. She said when I wake up and your dads pecker is laying to the left I fish the left bank and if it lays to the right I fish the right bank. They both snikared and said what if it stands in the middle she replied. Then there is no time for fishin!

Bar bet

Bar Jokes

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, “Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?”

The barman replies, “It’s a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night.”

“Great!” says the man, “but what if I can’t reach them?”

“Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night,” the barman answers.

“Do you want to try?”

“No, but thanks anyway.”

“Why not?”, asks the barman.

“The steaks are too high.”

Gathering Chickens

Animal jokes

The farmer’s son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken’s his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.

Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate.

Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

“Pa, the chickens got loose,” the boy confessed sadly, “but I managed to find all twelve of them.”

“Well, you did real good, son,” the farmer beamed. “You left with seven.”

Knowing Your States

Religous

The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.

He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.

They came up with about 40 names.

He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, “Yes, but in those days there were only 13.”

God the Artist

Religous

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question. “Boys and girls, what do we know about God?”

A hand shot up in the air. “He is an artist!” said the kindergarten boy.

“Really?! How do you know?” the teacher asked.

“You know – ‘Our Father, who does art in Heaven…”

Paying the debt

Jokes

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell.

The wife answers the door.
“Hi, is Tony home?”
“No, he went to the store.”
“Well, you mind if I wait?”
“No come in.”

They sit down and the friend says, “You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.”

Sara thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell – a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says, “They are so beautiful I’ve got to see the both of them. I’ll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together.”

Sara thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can’t wait any longer for Tony and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, “You know, your weird friend Chris came over.”

Tony thinks about this for a second and says, “Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?”