Tag: funny stories

Bltch

šŸ˜”šŸ¤¬WTH!!!!! šŸ¤¬šŸ˜”

So I go through the drive-through to pick up my sandwich, start heading down the road, pull it out of the bag and see this…
I know I asked for a lot on my sandwich and took off a few things that I didn’t like but this was sooooooooo unnecessary! So I turn my truck around pissed off and head back up there to make a complaint with the manager and find out who did this!!!! I mean customer service is huge with me and I wasnā€™t gonna let this slide right??Ā 
just toĀ be told it says……
“BLT with cheese!”Ā šŸ˜‚šŸ¤£

Harassment?

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldnā€™t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, ā€œThe Double Mint Twins are comingā€ and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ā€œLoganā€™s Liniment will reduce the swellingā€, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, ā€œWilliamā€™s Big Stick Did the Trickā€, and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, ā€œGoodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accidentā€, I just lost it.

ā€œCASE DISMISSED!!ā€

Iā€™m still lost,

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauperā€™s cemetery in the backcountry. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didnā€™t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like Iā€™ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ā€˜Amazing Grace,ā€™ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, ā€œI never seen nothinā€™ like that before and Iā€™ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.ā€

Apparently, Iā€™m still lostā€¦

The Texas chili cookoff



If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud, then thereā€™s no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: ā€œRecently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judgeā€™s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldnā€™t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.ā€ Here are the scorecards from the advent:
Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddieā€™s Maniac Monster Chiliā€¦
Judge # 1 ā€” A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 ā€” Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 ā€” (Frank) Holy sh!t! What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope thatā€™s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Austinā€™s Afterburner Chiliā€¦
Judge # 1 ā€” Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 ā€” Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 ā€” Keep this out of the reach of children. Iā€™m not sure what Iā€™m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronnyā€™s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chiliā€¦
Judge # 1 ā€” Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 ā€” A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 ā€” Call the EPA. Iā€™ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. Iā€™m getting sh*t- faced from all of the beerā€¦
Chili # 4 Daveā€™s Black Magicā€¦
Judge # 1 ā€” Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 ā€” Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 ā€” I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it… Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOTā€¦just like this nuclear waste Iā€™m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisaā€™s Legal Lip Removerā€¦
Judge # 1 ā€” Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding a considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 ā€” Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 ā€” My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if Iā€™m burning
my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pamā€™s Very Vegetarian Varietyā€¦
Judge # 1 ā€” Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 ā€” The best yet Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 ā€” My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and Iā€™m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Canā€™t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Carlaā€™s Screaming Sensation Chiliā€¦
Judge # 1 ā€” A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 ā€” Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 ā€” You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldnā€™t feel a thing. Iā€™ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt At least during the autopsy, theyā€™ll know what killed me. Iā€™ve decided to stop breathing; itā€™s too painful. Screw it; Iā€™m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, Iā€™ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Karenā€™s Toenail Curling Chiliā€¦
Judge # 1 ā€” The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 ā€” This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if heā€™s going to make it.
Poor fella, wonder how heā€™d have reacted to really hot chili?