Tag: funny-stories

Sign language

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, “What the Hell is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!”. The other guy says, “I knew that! I was just trying to tell you – I’m coming!”  construction

Cabby and the Nun

One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her. When she asked him why, he said, “I want to ask you something, but I don’t want to offend you.” She said, “You can’t offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything.” The cab driver then said, “Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job.” She said, “Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions.You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic.” Immediately the cab driver said, “Oh, yes!I’m single and I’m Catholic!” The nun said, “Okay, pull into that alley.” The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying. The nun said, “My child, what’s the matter?” He said tearfully, “Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied…I’m married and I’m Jewish!” The nun replied, “That’s okay. My name’s Bruce and I’m on my way to a costume party!”

Blond paint job.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?” The blonde said “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “She should, she was standing on it.” A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

Courtesy Steve Page.

49 cents a pound

An old woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office
Building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like
expensive perfume turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Giorgio – Beverly
Hills, $100 an ounce!”

The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very
arrogantly turns to the old woman and says,”Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!”

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her floor and is about to
get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the
eye, she bends over, and farts – and says, “Broccoli – 49 cents a pound.”

Birth Defect?

A woman is resting after giving birth to her baby. The doctor comes in to her room, and he says, “I have something to tell you about your baby.”The woman sits up in bed and says, “What’s wrong with my baby, Doctor? What’s wrong?”The doctor says, “Well now, nothing’s wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite.”The woman says, “A hermaphrodite…. what’s that?”The doctor says, “Well, it means your baby has the… er… features…of a male and a female.”The woman turns pale. She says, “Oh my god! You mean it has a penis, and… a brain?!”

The Airplane

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die!” she wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I’ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??”

For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. “I can make you feel like a woman,” he says. He’s gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
“Iron this.”

“I was behind you in McDonald’s”

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5, 000 and
feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and
buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking,
but how old do you think I am?” “About 35, ” was the reply. “I’m actually 47, ” the man says happily.

A little while later he goes to McDonald’s for lunch and asks the order taker
the same question, to which the reply is, “I’d guess that you’re 29?”
“Nope, I am actually 47.” He’s starting to feel really good about himself.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young
there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants
and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact
age.” As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her
slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, “OK, it’s done. You are 47, “
Stunned the man says, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”
The old lady replies, “I was behind you in McDonald’s”.

Minister and the Cowboy,

A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me too. I didn’t know we had a choice.”