The severity of the itch is proportional to inability to the reach it.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. “you gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”
“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”
“I’ll sleep on it,” said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.
“For a hundred buck’s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”
There’s no mystery about why the U.S. Supreme Court threw the Ten Commandments out of the courthouse.
You can’t engrave ‘thou shalt not steal’ or even ‘thou shalt not commit adultery’ and certainly not ‘thou shalt not lie’ on the walls inside a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians without creating a hostile work environment. 
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with
China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Barack Obama.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches
while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care
to all Americans is socialism.
HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but
creationism should be taught in schools.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A
president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands died is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution,
which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
Friends don’t let friends vote Republican.