During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. “There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
“Will I be acquitted?”
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, “Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.”
So the Doberman says, “I love liver and cheese.” The Collie replies, “That’s not good enough.”
The Bulldog says, “I hate liver and cheese.” She says, “That’s not creative enough.”
Finally, the Chihuahua says, “Liver alone . . . cheese mine.” 
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. “Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. “Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”
Dumb Texas Laws
- When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.
- A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.
- It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
- You can be legally married by publically introducing a person as your husband or wife 3 times.
- It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don’t need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.
- It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
- It is illegal to milk another person’s cow.
- A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
- It is unlawful for a person to consume an alcoholic beverage while operating a motor vehicle upon a public roadway, if the person is observed doing so by a peace officer.
- The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prarie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first one says, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands.”
The second cowboy can’t stand to be bested. “Why that’s nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I’m still here today.”
The third cowboy remained silent, stirring the campfire coals with his hands. 
A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.
“Well,” he whispered, “I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, ‘Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'”
“He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, ‘George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'”
“We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us.” 
Q: Why did Mitt Romney strap his dog, Seamus, to the roof of his car?
A: Because his station wagon was full of wives!”
Q: How did Mitt Romney make hundreds of millions of dollars?
A: By turning $21 an hour jobs into $9 an hour jobs.
Q: What did Mitt Romney learn at Bain Capital?
A: How to destroy worker’s lives, steal pensions, pioneer outsourcing, and master tax dodging!
Q: Why is Mitt Romney so optimistic about the future of our economy?
A: Because he’s the only presidential candidate with over 200 million dollars in the bank!
