Henny Youngman: You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Ann Bancroft: The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.
Bill Cosby: Any husband who says. ”My wife and I are completely equal partners,” is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
Benjamin Franklin: Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
Henny Youngman: My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Rodney Dangerfield: My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Milton Berle A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
George Burns: I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Cindy Garner: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
Elaine Boosler: When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking.
Henny Youngman: I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, ”There was water in the carburetor.” I said, ”Where’s the car?” She said, ”In the lake.”
Phyllis Diller: Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Rita Rudner: My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
Henny Youngman: The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Erma Bombeck: People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.