Rabbi takes confession

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Religous

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave
the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from
across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told
him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to
come on over and he’d stay with him for a little bit and show
him what to do.

The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.
In a few minutes a woman comes in and says “Father forgive me
for I have sinned. I committed adultery.”

Priest says: “How many times?”

Woman: “Three times.”

Priest says, “Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin
no more.”

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says,
“Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

Priest says, “What did you do?”

Man says, “I committed adultery.”

Priest asks, “How many times?”

Man replys, “Three times.”

Priest says, “Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin
no more.”

The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it so the
priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and
says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

Rabbi says, “What did you do?”

Woman replys, “I committed adultery.”

Rabbi asks, “How many times?”

Woman says “Once.”

Rabbi says,
“Go do it two more times, we have a special this week, three for $5.00.”

WHY GOD NEVER RECEIVED A PHD ?

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Religous

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn’t published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his
subjects.
11. When subjects didn’t behave as predicted, he deleted them from
the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his
tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain
top.
17. No record of working well with colleagues.

Confession

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Ethnic Jokes, Religous

It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to
confess, so he went to his Priest. “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.” “Well,” answered the Priest,
“That’s no a sin.” “But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed.”
“I admit that wasn’t good, but you did it for a good cause.” “Oh thank you
Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question.” “What is it
son?” “Do I now have to tell him the war is over?”

Pope vs Queen

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Religous

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and
Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords – the crowd is huge –
thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness can’t help but have a little rivalry –
both being heads of churches and all.
The Queen says to the Pope, “Did you know that with just one little wave of my
hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?” He doubts it, so she
shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from
every Englishman in the crowd.
Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by
someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So
the Pope says to the Queen, Youre Majesty that was impressive. But did you
know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the
crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of
your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever
of this day and rejoice – they will recount it to their grandchildren and they
to their descendants.
The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. “One little wave of your hand
and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me.” So the Pope slapped her.

God’s Gift to Man

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Religous

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news”, Adam looked at God and said, “Well, give me the good news first.” Smiling, God explained, “I’ve got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children.”
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, “These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?” God looked upon Ad”am and said with great sorrow, “The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.

Two Nuns

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Religous

Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windscreen.

“Quick, quick!!” shouts Sister Mary. “What shall I do?”

“Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination,” says Sister Helen.

Sister Mary switches them on, knocking the vampire about, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.

“What shall I do now?” she shouts.

“Switch on the windscreen washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican,” says Sister Helen.

The vampire steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again.

“Now what?” shouts Sister Mary.

“Show him your cross,” says Sister Helen.

Sister Mary opens the window and shouts: “GET OFF MY F**KING CAR!!”

Knowing Your States

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Religous

The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.

He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.

They came up with about 40 names.

He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, “Yes, but in those days there were only 13.”

God the Artist

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Religous

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question. “Boys and girls, what do we know about God?”

A hand shot up in the air. “He is an artist!” said the kindergarten boy.

“Really?! How do you know?” the teacher asked.

“You know – ‘Our Father, who does art in Heaven…”