Q. What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs? A. Nice tits!
Q. Why do they call it PMS? A. Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Q. What’s the difference between a muff-dive and a speed-trap? A. With a muff-dive you always have a clear view of the cunt!!
Q. How do you know when you are getting old? A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Q. Why would a bloke give his wife a pair of slippers and a dildo for her birthday?A. Because if she doesn’t like the slippers she can go and get f**ked.
Q. What’s the difference between a police car and a pair of knickers A. You can only fit one c**t in a pair of knickers.
Q. What did Yul Brynner say to Freddy Mercury in heaven? A. So the fags got you too !!
Q: When is a pixie not a pixie? A: When he’s got his head up a fairy’s skirt, then he’s a goblin’.
Q. What’s the definition of a Yankee? A. Same thing as a ”quickie”, only you do it yourself!!
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and an ironing board A: It’s difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a broom closet? A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool A: Air pockets.
Q: Why do blondes have more fun?A: They are easier to keep amused.
Q: Which of the following doesn’t belong: wife, meat, eggs, blowjob A: The blowjob. You can beat your wife, your eggs or your meat but you just can’t beat a blowjob.
Q. Did you hear about the new shoe Nike is making for lesbians. The tongue is twice as long and it will only need one finger to get it off
Q: What did one Lesbian Frog say to the other? A: Gee, we really do taste like chicken.
Q: How do you tell that you have a high sperm count A: Your date has to chew before she swallows
Q: What’s the difference between a Ritz Cracker and a Lesbian? A: A Ritz is a snack cracker, a Lesbian is a crack snacker.
Category: Jokes
Funny jokes
It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to
confess, so he went to his Priest. “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.” “Well,” answered the Priest,
“That’s no a sin.” “But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed.”
“I admit that wasn’t good, but you did it for a good cause.” “Oh thank you
Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question.” “What is it
son?” “Do I now have to tell him the war is over?”
The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and
Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords – the crowd is huge –
thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness can’t help but have a little rivalry –
both being heads of churches and all.
The Queen says to the Pope, “Did you know that with just one little wave of my
hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?” He doubts it, so she
shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from
every Englishman in the crowd.
Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by
someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So
the Pope says to the Queen, Youre Majesty that was impressive. But did you
know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the
crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of
your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever
of this day and rejoice – they will recount it to their grandchildren and they
to their descendants.
The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. “One little wave of your hand
and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me.” So the Pope slapped her.
One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news”, Adam looked at God and said, “Well, give me the good news first.” Smiling, God explained, “I’ve got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children.”
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, “These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?” God looked upon Ad”am and said with great sorrow, “The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time.
Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windscreen.
“Quick, quick!!” shouts Sister Mary. “What shall I do?”
“Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination,” says Sister Helen.
Sister Mary switches them on, knocking the vampire about, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.
“What shall I do now?” she shouts.
“Switch on the windscreen washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican,” says Sister Helen.
The vampire steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again.
“Now what?” shouts Sister Mary.
“Show him your cross,” says Sister Helen.
Sister Mary opens the window and shouts: “GET OFF MY F**KING CAR!!”
One night, G.W. Bush was awakened by George Washington’s ghost.
Bush asked, “George, what is the best thing I could do to help
the country, now that I am elected President?”
“Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised
George.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the
dark bedroom. “Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help
the country, now that I am elected President?” Bush asked. “Cut
taxes and reduce the size of government,” advised Tom.
Bush didn’t sleep well the next night, and saw yet another
figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost.
“Abe, what is the best thing I could do for the country, now
that I have been elected President?” Bush asked. “Go to the
theater,” replied Abe.
Here are some 100% REAL quotes that our delightful president
George W. Bush uttered over the past few years:
“This is preservation month. I appreciate preservation. It’s
what you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve.”
-Speaking during “Perserverence Month” at a New Hampshire grade
school
“I know how hard it is to put food on your family.”
“This is still a dangerous world. It’s a world of madmen and
uncertainty and potential mental losses.”
“We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just
like you like to be liked yourself.”
Georgie’s Daddy has had some interesting things to say, too:
“For seven and a half years, I’ve worked alongside President
Reagan. We’ve had triumphs. Made some mistakes. Had some sex…
uh… I mean, setbacks.”
Two girls asked their mom which side of the creek was best to catch fish for she always caught fish and they caught none. She said when I wake up and your dads pecker is laying to the left I fish the left bank and if it lays to the right I fish the right bank. They both snikared and said what if it stands in the middle she replied. Then there is no time for fishin!
The farmer’s son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken’s his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.
Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate.
Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
“Pa, the chickens got loose,” the boy confessed sadly, “but I managed to find all twelve of them.”
“Well, you did real good, son,” the farmer beamed. “You left with seven.”