Category: Jokes

Funny jokes

Where do politicians come from?

Political jokes

A woman went to her doctor for advice.

She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

“Do you enjoy it?” The doctor asked.

“Actually, yes, I do.”

“Does it hurt you?” he asked.

“No. I rather like it.”

“Well, then,” the doctor continued, “there’s no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.”

The woman was mystified.

“What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?”

“Of course,” the doctor replied, “Where do you think politicians come from?”

Apple, Mans best friend.

Jokes

A woman finds Aladdin’s magic lamp.

She starts rubbing it and a Genie comes out as usual.

The woman looks at the Genie and asks him to grant her wishes:

– I want my husband to have eyes only for me.
– I want to be the only one in his life.
– I want him to sleep always by my side.
– I want that when he gets up in the morning I’m the first thing he grabs and takes me everywhere he goes.

The Genie turned THE LADY into an Apple iPhone.!!!!

No Charge For The Haircut

Political jokes

A priest walked into a barbershop in Washington, D.C. After he got his
haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, “No charge. I consider
it a service to the Lord.”
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a
thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his haircut. He then asked
how much it was. The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the
community.”
The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank
you note from the police officer.
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much
it was. The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the country.”
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators waiting
at the door.

Not the Sexiest Man Alive

Jokes

From David Letterman – Tuesday, January 31, 1995

Top Ten Signs You’re Not The Sexiest Man Alive

10. When people see you, they often ask, “Is it Halloween already?”

9. You appear in TV Guide crossword puzzle with the clue, “Siskel and ___”

8. The best term to describe you is “super hairy”.

7. You parachuted into Super Bowl with a dog and a bag of pretzels.

6. Photos of you used as a birth-control device.

5. You take a stroll and the local zoo is flooded with calls about an escaped orangutan.

4. As you walk toward rack of Speedos, you hear clerks murmuring, “Oh God, no”.

3. Your name is Tom Wilkins and you’re seated in the 6th row of the Ed Sullivan Theater.

2. Hookers always telling you “Not on the first date”.

1. Richard Simmons never follows you home.

Laura Bush went to the doctor

Political jokes

Laura Bush went to the doctor for a check up and got a clean bill of health.
When she got home George asked her, “So how did the appointment go?”
Laura bragged, “the Doctor said I have the heart and lungs of a
twenty-year-old.”
George smirked, “Oh yeah? And what did he have to say about
your fifty year old ass?”
Laura replied: “Your name didn’t come up.”

Birth Defect?

Funny Stories Jokes

A woman is resting after giving birth to her baby. The doctor comes in to her room, and he says, “I have something to tell you about your baby.”The woman sits up in bed and says, “What’s wrong with my baby, Doctor? What’s wrong?”The doctor says, “Well now, nothing’s wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite.”The woman says, “A hermaphrodite…. what’s that?”The doctor says, “Well, it means your baby has the… er… features…of a male and a female.”The woman turns pale. She says, “Oh my god! You mean it has a penis, and… a brain?!”

Two Missionaries

Ethnic Jokes

Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very
hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a
huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later,
one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The
other missionary can’t believe it! He says, “What’s wrong with
you? We’re being boiled alive! They’re gonna eat us! What could
possibly be funny at a time like this?”

The other missionary says, “I just peed in the soup.”

Cheap parking

Jokes

An old Texas rancher walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he’s going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the ol’ man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. He provides the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the ol’ man for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank’s underground parking garage. Three weeks later, the ol’ man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to less than $40….

The loan officer says, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very well, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire, with several PhD’s. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5000?” The ol’ man replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for 3 weeks for 40 bucks?!!”

A blond on a plane

Jokes

A plane is on its way to houston when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down. the flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back. the blonde replies, “i’m blond, i’m beautiful, i’m going to houston and i’m staying right here.” the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won’t move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. the blonde replies, “i’m blonde, i’m beautiful, i’m going to houston and i’m staying right here.” the co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason. the pilot says, “you say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this. i’m married to a blonde. i speak blonde.” he goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “oh, i’m sorry.” she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. the flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. i told her, “first class isn’t going to houston .”

Must be God.

Animal jokes

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… I must be a God!