Good day to not travel,

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Holiday jokes

not-traveling

The old come on,

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Holiday jokes

pilgrims

A Blonds Thanksgiving

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Holiday jokes

turkey-blond

Between the Holidays,

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Holiday jokes

between-holidays

Twas the Month after Chanukah…

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Holiday jokes

‘Twas the Month after Chanukah

Twas the month after Chanukah, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I’d nibble, the latkas I’d taste
At Chanukah parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine or the egg creams, the bread and the cheese
and the way I’d never said, ”No thank you, please.”
As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt
and prepared once again to do battle with dirt—

I said to myself, as only I can
”You can’t spend the winter disguised as a man!”
So… away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of all chocolate, each cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
”Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won’t have a cookie–not even a lick.
I’ll want to chew only a long celery stick.

I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore—
But isn’t that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

The first reindeer seen in a bar

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Holiday jokes

One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer’s hoof.

As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, “You know, I think you’re the first reindeer I’ve ever seen in here.”

The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, “Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I’m the last reindeer you’ll see in here.”

Christmas one liners.

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Holiday jokes

Some good some bad, you decide…  Christmas one liners.

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
Santa Clues!

Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition.
Now thats what you call pot luck!

What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday ?
Freeze a jolly good fellow !

What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ?
Santapplause !

Twinkle Twinkle chocolate bar
Santa drives a rusty car
Press the starter
Press the choke
Off he goes in a cloud of smoke !

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ?
Santa Jaws !

Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden ?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe !

Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ?
Because they both have “Sandy claws” !

What does Father Christmas call his money ?
Iced lolly ?

What’s Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents ?
Santa pause !

Optimist vs. Pessimist

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Holiday jokes

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins’ birthday their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

“Why are you crying?” the father asked.

“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.” answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?” he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!” 

Eating between thanksgiving and christmas.

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Holiday jokes

A woman walks in to a tattoo parlor and says I want a turkey put on my right hip. The tattoo artist says ok and does the tattoo and she leaves. 

A couple of weeks later she comes back and says I want Santa clause put on my left hip. The artist says ok and does it. While she was getting her money out he says “maam can i ask you why you have Santa on one hip and a turkey on the other? 

The lady answered, ” so my husband will have something to eat in between thanksgiving and christmas.