By the dozen,

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Bad jokes.

A couple was celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary. For the entire time they had been married, the wife had kept a safe which the husband had never been allowed to look into. He asked her if, since they had been married so long, he could see what she had been keeping all these years. She said OK and opened the safe. In it were a pile of money totalling $10,000 and three chicken eggs. He asked her, “What are the eggs doing in there?” She said,”Well, I have to admit that I haven’t been completely faithful to you. Whenever I strayed, I put an egg in the safe.” He thought about it and said, “Well, I guess I can’t be too upset about three eggs. But where did all the money come from?” She replied, “Every time I got a dozen, I sold them.”

Who can say this sentence?

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Bad jokes., Jokes

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, “Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.”
So the Doberman says, “I love liver and cheese.” The Collie replies, “That’s not good enough.”
The Bulldog says, “I hate liver and cheese.” She says, “That’s not creative enough.”
Finally, the Chihuahua says, “Liver alone . . . cheese mine.”

Scared sleeping

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Bad jokes.

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. “you gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I’ll sleep on it,” said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred buck’s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”

A Little Testy

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Bad jokes.

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
”Doctor, the hormones you’ve been giving me have really helped, but I’m afraid that you’re giving me too much.

I’ve started growing hair in places that I’ve never grown hair before.”

The doctor reassured her,

 ”A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?”

”On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about…,” replied the lady

Shot To The Heart

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Bad jokes.

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly,
She took out Earl’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken.

 Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone,
she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
“On a woman,” the doctor said, “your heart would be just below your left breast.”

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.