Texas

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Bar Jokes

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The Little guy,

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Bar Jokes

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big guy comes in and –WHACK!! — knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big guy says, ”That was a karate chop from Korea.”

The little guy thinks ”GEEZ,” but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden –WHACK– the big guy knocks him down AGAIN and says, ”That was a judo chop from Japan.”

So the little guy has had enough of this… He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and –Bong!!!– bangs the big guy off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, ”When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears.”

Thank goodness,

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Bar Jokes, Jokes

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously drunk.”

Our wasted friend asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”

“Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled.”

Where’s your fucking Ferrari?

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Bar Jokes

Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes
Lady: How much a day?
Man: Three 6 packs
Lady: How much per 6 pack
Man: about $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn’t drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No
Man: Where’s your fucking Ferrari then?

Bar bet

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Bar Jokes

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, “Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?”

The barman replies, “It’s a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night.”

“Great!” says the man, “but what if I can’t reach them?”

“Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night,” the barman answers.

“Do you want to try?”

“No, but thanks anyway.”

“Why not?”, asks the barman.

“The steaks are too high.”

Big feet =?

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Bar Jokes

A lady went into a bar in Austin and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she’d ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said, “Shore is, little lady! Why don’t you come on out to the bunk house and let me prove it to you?”

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, “Well, thank ya Ma’am. I’m real flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.”

“The woman replied, “Don’t be flattered …take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.”

Blond Joke

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Bar Jokes

A blind man enters a Ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: “Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair – giving that you are blind – that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I’m a 6 feet tall, 160 LB. blonde
woman with a black belt in Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is
blonde and is a proffesional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde
and is a proffesional wretler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares: “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times”.

Decoy

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Bar Jokes

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar waiting to catch any drunk drivers. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, “Tonight, I’m the Designated Decoy.”

Complimentary nuts.

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Bar Jokes

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively “You’ve got great hair!” The man looked around but couldn’t see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer. A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say “You’re a handsome man!” The man looked around, but still couldn’t see where the voice was coming from. When he went back to his beer, the voice said again “What a stud you are!” The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.
The bartender said “Oh, it’s the nuts–they’re complimentary.”