A blond on a plane

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Jokes

A plane is on its way to houston when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down. the flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back. the blonde replies, “i’m blond, i’m beautiful, i’m going to houston and i’m staying right here.” the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won’t move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. the blonde replies, “i’m blonde, i’m beautiful, i’m going to houston and i’m staying right here.” the co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason. the pilot says, “you say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this. i’m married to a blonde. i speak blonde.” he goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “oh, i’m sorry.” she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. the flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. i told her, “first class isn’t going to houston .”

Must be God.

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Animal jokes

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… I must be a God!

Beer Prayer

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Funny Pictures

OSHO Strange Consequences

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Funny videos


Nasty Q&A

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Adult jokes


Q. What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs? A. Nice tits!
Q. Why do they call it PMS? A. Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Q. What’s the difference between a muff-dive and a speed-trap? A. With a muff-dive you always have a clear view of the cunt!!
Q. How do you know when you are getting old? A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Q. Why would a bloke give his wife a pair of slippers and a dildo for her birthday?A. Because if she doesn’t like the slippers she can go and get f**ked.
Q. What’s the difference between a police car and a pair of knickers A. You can only fit one c**t in a pair of knickers.
Q. What did Yul Brynner say to Freddy Mercury in heaven? A. So the fags got you too !!
Q: When is a pixie not a pixie? A: When he’s got his head up a fairy’s skirt, then he’s a goblin’.
Q. What’s the definition of a Yankee? A. Same thing as a ”quickie”, only you do it yourself!!
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and an ironing board A: It’s difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a broom closet? A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool A: Air pockets.
Q: Why do blondes have more fun?A: They are easier to keep amused.
Q: Which of the following doesn’t belong: wife, meat, eggs, blowjob A: The blowjob. You can beat your wife, your eggs or your meat but you just can’t beat a blowjob.
Q. Did you hear about the new shoe Nike is making for lesbians. The tongue is twice as long and it will only need one finger to get it off
Q: What did one Lesbian Frog say to the other? A: Gee, we really do taste like chicken.
Q: How do you tell that you have a high sperm count A: Your date has to chew before she swallows
Q: What’s the difference between a Ritz Cracker and a Lesbian? A: A Ritz is a snack cracker, a Lesbian is a crack snacker.

Three knots

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Adult jokes

An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.

“How am I doing?” He asks.
“Three knots,” she replies.
“Three knots? What’s that mean?”

“You’re not hard, you’re not in, and you’re not getting your money back.”

Confession

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Ethnic Jokes, Religous

It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to
confess, so he went to his Priest. “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.” “Well,” answered the Priest,
“That’s no a sin.” “But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed.”
“I admit that wasn’t good, but you did it for a good cause.” “Oh thank you
Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question.” “What is it
son?” “Do I now have to tell him the war is over?”

Nympho

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Funny Stories

Jon was looking for a little “action”. He picked up a sweet young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac.

After six times she was screaming for more. After the ‘eighth’ time Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.

On the way out he stopped in the men’s room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic that he couldn’t find “it.”

After a couple of minutes “fishing around” he finally said, “Look, it’s ok. She’s not here!”

Mary Lou

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Love

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee
and slapped him on the back of the head. “I found a piece of paper in your pants
pocket with the name ‘Mary Lou’ written on it,” she said, furious. “You had
better have an explanation.”

Calm down, honey, the man replied. “Remember last week when I was at the
dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on.”

The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.

What was that for?” he complained.

Your dog called last night.”

Pope vs Queen

Posted by: Mike Carver  /  Category: Religous

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and
Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords – the crowd is huge –
thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness can’t help but have a little rivalry –
both being heads of churches and all.
The Queen says to the Pope, “Did you know that with just one little wave of my
hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?” He doubts it, so she
shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from
every Englishman in the crowd.
Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by
someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So
the Pope says to the Queen, Youre Majesty that was impressive. But did you
know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the
crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of
your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever
of this day and rejoice – they will recount it to their grandchildren and they
to their descendants.
The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. “One little wave of your hand
and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me.” So the Pope slapped her.