Month: November 2012

Christmas one liners.

Holiday jokes

Some good some bad, you decide…  Christmas one liners.

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
Santa Clues!

Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition.
Now thats what you call pot luck!

What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday ?
Freeze a jolly good fellow !

What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ?
Santapplause !

Twinkle Twinkle chocolate bar
Santa drives a rusty car
Press the starter
Press the choke
Off he goes in a cloud of smoke !

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ?
Santa Jaws !

Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden ?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe !

Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ?
Because they both have “Sandy claws” !

What does Father Christmas call his money ?
Iced lolly ?

What’s Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents ?
Santa pause !

Optimist vs. Pessimist

Holiday jokes

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins’ birthday their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

“Why are you crying?” the father asked.

“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.” answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?” he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!” 

Eating between thanksgiving and christmas.

Holiday jokes

A woman walks in to a tattoo parlor and says I want a turkey put on my right hip. The tattoo artist says ok and does the tattoo and she leaves. 

A couple of weeks later she comes back and says I want Santa clause put on my left hip. The artist says ok and does it. While she was getting her money out he says “maam can i ask you why you have Santa on one hip and a turkey on the other? 

The lady answered, ” so my husband will have something to eat in between thanksgiving and christmas.

Duct tape.

Animal jokes

An old man is sitting on a park bench when he see’s a small kid walking by carrying a roll of duct tape. Hey kid! what you gonna do with that duct tape? The kid answers im gonna catch me a duck. the old man snickers and replies, you cant catch a duck with duct tape. Yes i can the kid replies, and a few minutes later he walks by carrying a duck.

A little while later the same kid walks by carrying some chicken wire. The old man asks, what you gonna do with that chicken wire? The kid replies, im gonna catch me a chicken! Again the old man says, You cant catch a chicken with chicken wire. Yes I can. And a little while later the kid walks by carrying a chicken.

On his third trip by the kid is carrying some pussy willows.

The old man says, Wait!  im going with you.

Could be my son?

Animal jokes

A young punk rocker with a red mohawk walks into a pub to order a beer. He sits down next to an old man who he notices is staring at him. Finally the punk asks, what the hell you lookin at old man?!  didnt you ever do anything crazy when you were a kid?

The old man thought for a minute and responded, 

ya i did.

I had sex with a chicken, and I was wondering if you were my son. 

Minister and the Cowboy,

Funny Stories
A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me too. I didn’t know we had a choice.”

A Billion,

Political jokes

 

What is one billion?

According to a recent government publication …

A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.

A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.

A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.

A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.