Little Johnny’s father had just returned home from a business trip, and he had a romantic evening planned with his wife. So, he sent his two older kids to the movies, but he couldn’t persuade Little Johnny to go along.

Finally, he made a deal with Little Johnny, “If you go sit outside of the house, I’ll give you five dollars for every man you see go by in a red hat.”

An excited Little Johnny agreed.

Some time later, Little Johnny ran into the house and up to his parents bedroom. He banged on the door and shouted, “Hey, Dad, if you think your getting screwed in THERE, just wait until you come outside ’cause there’s a Shriner convention going past our house.”

Part 2…

“If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.”

– USAF Ammo Troop

————————————————————————

“Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death … I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.”

– At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base at Kadena,Japan

————————————————————————

“You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3.”

– Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

————————————————————————

“The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.”

————————————————————————

“Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.”

– From an old carrier sailor

————————————————————————

“If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it’s probably a helicopter and therefore, unsafe.”

————————————————————————

“When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.”

————————————————————————

“Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.”

————————————————————————

“What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, …. the pilot dies.”

————————————————————————

“Never trade luck for skill.”

————————————————————————

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: “Why is it doing that?”, “Where are we?” and “Oh S…!”

————————————————————————

“Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.”

————————————————————————

“Progress in airline flying: Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.”

————————————————————————

“Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.”

————————————————————————

“A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.”

————————————————————————

“I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.”

————————————————————————

“Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!”

————————————————————————

“Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.”

————————————————————————

“Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.”

————————————————————————

“When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.”

————————————————————————

“Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.”

————————————————————————

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: “When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible.”

————————————————————————

“The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.”

– Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

(Editors Note)

Due to the length of this I am beaking in to several parts. Alot of military intelligence. Imagine that.
Some old, some new, most still funny

“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.”

– Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance.

————————————————————————

“Aim towards the Enemy.”

– Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

————————————————————————

“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

– U.S. Marine Corps

————————————————————————

“Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.”

– USAF Ammo Troop

————————————————————————

“If the enemy is in range, so are you.”

– Infantry Journal

————————————————————————

“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.”

– U.S. Air Force Manual

————————————————————————

“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.”

– General Macarthur

————————————————————————

“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.”

– Infantry Journal

————————————————————————

“You, you, and you … Panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

– U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

————————————————————————

“Tracers work both ways.”

– U.S. Army Ordnance

————————————————————————

“Five second fuses only last three seconds.”

– Infantry Journal

————————————————————————

“Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last, and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.”

– U.S. Navy Swabbie

————————————————————————

“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.”

– David Hackworth

————————————————————————

“If your attack is going too well, your walking into an ambush.”

– Infantry Journal

————————————————————————

“No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.”

– Joe Gay

————————————————————————

“Any ship can be a minesweeper… once.”

– Anonymous

————————————————————————

“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.”

– Unknown Marine Recruit

————————————————————————

“Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.”

– Your Buddies

————————————————————————

These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.

A reporter comes running up and says, “Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?”

The Saudi says, “What’s a shortage?”

The Russian says, “What’s meat?”

The North Korean says, “What’s an opinion?”

The New Yorker, says, “Excuse me??  What’s excuse me?”